- CASE FILE
Hi,.. I am a person challenged with a life long Treatment Resistant Depression Condition.
ABOUT THIS CASE FILE
For the last 40 years I have sought treatment for a debilitating illness, to no avail. I have been told Treatment Resistant Depression is a neglected diagnosis because of the Medical community being faced with inadequacies. The outcome from decades of seeking relief out of desperation, has left me with no hope of ever experiencing the human experience as it is intended. I spent over $30.000 out of my retirement chasing off label treatments in New York, Philadelphia, Allentown and more, just to be informed that there was nothing that could be done for me. I have applied for Trial Studies with major Universities and Government run programs just to find out that I am a risk to their agenda, because I lack interest in existing. I went so far as to agree to Electric Shocks to my Brain after 20 years of resisting that option, which did not help at all. I am afraid, feel judged, and hurt tremendously. I have tried everything you can name and more. My daily challenges include; anxiety, despair, anguish, fatigue, torment and intense thoughts about relieving the pain. I have been in touch with a "Dying with Dignity" agency in Switzerland that honors a Mental Health Diagnosis, with documentation, which I have years and years of. I have met with the Funeral Director, am getting my affairs in order, and even wrote my obituary. It truly is a scary place to be.
Now, having said all of that, I must tell you, I have educated myself on what I can do, and live with this to the best of my ability. I do not want to be gone, I want the pain to be gone. The older I get, the more difficult it is to endure. The average person would not know what I just shared with you by looking at me. I am a Retired Flight Attendant, am Certified in the state of Pennsylvania as a Recovery Specialist, Peer Specialist, Family Recovery Specialist, Registered SMART Recovery Facilitator, CBT Practitioner and do a lot of advocacy work in the Recovery Community. I am a person in long term recovery and have worked very hard over the years to become a better version of myself. Unfortunately, I have never been married and have no children and contribute that, as well as my retirement, to the daily symptoms I am faced with. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep from being in the fetal position. It is difficult for other humans to stick around because there comes a point when they start to feel useless. I stay alive in a world I have no interest in being alive in. It feels like I was hijacked. Like I am alive by default. My Human Experience is one of torment. Even writing this description is extremely laborious. I keep staying alive for the next new treatment in hopes of responding favorably. I am so pro-active that I bring new treatments to doctors that aren't even aware they are heading to the market. I have been following the MDMA (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies), and made an honest effort to get in to a Clinical Trial for that as well. This is the very newest treatment being considered by the FDA. https://maps.org/about ...If there is anyone reading this that thinks they can connect me with a provider please let me know.
I know I am not alone with this. I don't feel angry or bitter about this experience. We all have a "thing" that causes discomfort. This just happens to be mine. I am proud of myself for "staying" alive, for honoring my own Self-Care, (whatever that may be for me), and embracing my challenge. I have had people who loved me, and I know if they could, they would remove the pain.
So,.. I am going to stop here. I may revisit when I replenish my concentration.
Thank You for reading, and I employ you to keep me in mind if you feel there is something I may benefit from!
Peace out... D.